Tag Archives: Freud

Anger, Compassion, and Forgiveness

It was the first one of my series of night shifts at the Emergency Department – I was excited to work in the ED again (one of my favorite places to work at) and was looking forward to having a productive and rewarding night.

Unfortunately, not quite having adjusted to the night schedule, my brain was foggy and my body was exhausted. I still tried my best to be chipper with the team and present for my patients, reminding myself of my goal to be a good team player and a healing light. Despite my efforts, I made two consecutive mistakes within the first 3 hours of my shift – both small mistakes not affecting patient care, but still quite a deviation from my usual performance. I tried to not think about it and move on, telling myself that I need to be more careful tonight as I am having an “off day”.

After suturing a patient at 3AM in the morning who had decided to do laundry in the dark in the wee hours of the morning, my staff and I had a disagreement over the type of sutures I chose to use. I decided to go with patient preference in the choice of sutures, and he wished that I had used a different suture which has evidence for causing less scarring. It was a matter of opinion and practice, and he did not hold this against me in any way. He just provided me education and made it clear what his preference would be if we were to suture another patient that night. Normally, I appreciate this kind of straight forwarded communication because it allows for a smooth shift and running of the team. That night though, I found myself getting extremely angry over this, thinking to myself “HOW DARE he decide to make an issue of this on a very busy overnight shift”.

Recognizing that my anger was completely out of proportion and irrational, I took a small break and sat in the lounge area where I could take off my mask and breathe. I went over my shift and my experience working with him so far. He was a great supervisor – he had clear communication, let me know right away what he likes and what he doesn’t like, and allowed me a good amount of independence. Why then, was I so upset with him over this small disagreement?

In situations like this, psychiatrists recommend that patients go back to the time before the argument had even started, to check in with their emotional states that may have influenced their reactions to the argument or discussion. In that moment, it became crystal clear to me that I was already very upset at MYSELF for making those small mistakes in the earlier hours of the shift. Despite my best efforts to suppress these thoughts, my mind was already on edge by disparaging thoughts targeted at myself. Specifically, I was telling myself that I was a failure and a bad doctor because I had made those mistakes.

Everybody has off days. Doctors and nurses are human, and therefore, are vulnerable to making human error. The mistakes that I made had not harmed anyone, although they did cause minor inconveniences. I took a deep breath and meditated. I looked at the sigils I wrote on my badge – protection, peace and patience. I thought of my goddesses and asked for their guidance. I then thought of what I often tell my patients – What would you have told your friend if they made these mistakes? This made it clear what the issue was. I had no compassion or patience for myself and immediately jumped into a judgmental mindset – an attitude I would have NEVER taken towards any of my colleagues. The consequent feelings of being a failure was so painful to sit with, that I had displaced my anger towards myself to my supervisor as soon as there was opportunity for such transference.

Displacement, according to Freudian principles, is one of the maladaptive defense mechanisms where one unconsciously transfers/ displaces their inner conflict, usually stemming from earlier life experiences, to a situation or a person that is not a part of that inner conflict.

I was grateful for the guidance of my goddesses for giving me the space and calm to realize that self-compassion, or lack there of, was at the root of this issue. I inwardly expressed my gratitude to my goddesses and allowed myself to feel the feelings of shame and disappointment at myself for the mistakes I had made. I then told myself “I forgive you – I forgive you for these mistakes and for being harsh on yourself. I honor that your desire for perfection came from a place of wanting to be a healing light. I embrace you and I love you”. Immediately, I felt a sense of relief come over me.

I was able to return to my shift and had a great night – we helped many people and my supervisor and I made a fantastic team through a very busy ED shift. While this shift had not gone exactly as I had planned, I was grateful it happened. It was a wonderful reminder of the importance of self-compassion and forgiveness. I was also reminded that when all else fails, I will always have my spirit guides and higher self to show me the way.

Shadow Work and Projection

Lately, I have been noticing that “Shadow Work”, a concept originating from psychoanalytic theory, has been appearing more than ever in mainstream media. I often hear it in the context of Wicca, a modern religion combining witchcraft practices and psychological principles, as well as many other spiritual paths.

In psychology, the Shadow is an analytic principle that identifies the part of one self that has been split from one’s conscious identity. While it is hidden from one’s conscious mind, this Shadow forms a significant part of one’s personality and how they relate to the world. While different branches of psychoanalysis calls the Shadow by different names, they generally agree that identifying the shadow is an important part of psychotherapy as it brings into awareness one’s behavioral patterns, in particular in relationships with others, that has been hidden from their conscious mind. For example, imagine a girl who has been raised by an unpredictable mother who would swing from being verbally and physically abusive to the most loving creature in the world within a split second. A belief forms in her that adults, or authority figures in general, are dangerous and not trust worthy, and that she is not worthy of receiving unconditional love and care. This belief, this way of seeing the world is so painful for her that she represses it deep into her unconsciousness – it becomes her shadow. As an adult, she has recurring issues in her life resulting from rejection of authority figures and accepting love or care from others, particularly from those that remind her of her mother. Unconsciously, she projects her belief that authority figures cannot be trusted and that she is unworthy of love and support whenever she meets a person or a situation that triggers this shadow to reappear, lifting her away from reality and making her see the world through the veil of her shadow.

Shadow work as a Wiccan principle centers around identifying one’s shadows and bringing them into consciousness, so that one can ask for help from spirits, gods and goddesses of the highest good to integrate the shadow into one’s true self. Working through one’s shadow is thought to allow for the emergence of a more whole, and integrated self, which makes them more aligned with the Universe and their magick more powerful.

The concept of the shadow has existed far before modern psychology and Wicca. Many spiritual paths dating back thousands of years and religious teachings have identified the role of the unconscious mind in how we see the world. Many meditation practices, in particular, focuses on making room for one’s shadows to appear into the conscious mind so that they can perceive the world as it is without the cover of the shadow. In Buddhism, it is said that when Buddha was born, he looked up at the sky, down at the earth, and said “Between the earth and the sky, only I exist”. There are a number of different interpretations for this saying. My favorite one is that Buddha understood that he himself, was most responsible for how he sees and relates to the world; that he understood that only himself is the true builder of his Universe.

What can we do then, once we become aware of this shadow? Freudian psychoanalytic theory states that bringing the shadow into one’s awareness, also known as “insight” is enough of a treatment in itself to alleviate the impact of one’s unconscious influences in their psychopathology. Internal family systems talk about making space for the shadow in one’s mind by accepting it and allowing it to co-exist peacefully with the other parts of one’s identity, so that they can be integrated into a more mature and resourced part of themselves. Dialectic behavioral therapy, which incorporates a significant amount of its techniques from Zen principles, suggests that one should mindfully notice, without judgment, one’s shadows as they emerge, accept and honor them, AND at the same time, make an active effort to see the world without the influence of their shadow. In Gabrielle Berstein’s “Universe has your back”, she shares a mantra/ prayer where she beautifully demonstrates this principle of honoring one’s shadow while a making a commitment to see the world without it.

In ancient witchcraft or paganism, the influece of the Shadow or the unconscious was at times descirbed as being “posessed” by the evil spirits and energies from one’s past. For example, exorcims or banishing spells were often targeted at expelling the evil spirits hunting a person’s mind that originated from a traumatic event(s) from their past, such as war or rape, producing anxiety, depression, and even psychosis.

As a physician and a practicing witch, I find myself adopting both approaches. As you have probably already guessed, the above example of the abused and neglected girl is my own story, my own shadow. Using the psychoanalytic theory, I recognize that unconscious beliefs originating from my childhood trauma influences how I relate to others and the world. I try to keep this in mind when I find myself suddenly spiraling into fear-based decisions and judgements of others so that my world is not always covered by my shadows. I embrace my younger self and tell her, Of course you had to guard yourself from trusting authority figures, because trusting them was not SAFE. I understand and honor you, and I also recognize that we are at a safer place now where we are surrounded by wonderful mentors and have the resources to defend ourselves. I also recognize that I am still hunted by the evil spirits of my past, the spirits that hunted my mother, and hunted her mother. I ask for strength from my goddesses and higher spirits to help me see the world in its truth, and to shine light in my path to banish the evil spirits of my past. I used to struggle with consolidating magick and medicine especially with matters of the mind, seated in the brain which we understand so little about. Now, I understand that they are in fact two slightly different paths that ultimately aim to get us to one shared destination – moving us closer to peace and love.