When life gets dizzyingly busy, I often find myself reverting to Autopilot mode, where I mindlessly go about my days, waking up in the morning, going to work, coming back home, eat, sleep, repeat.
While Autopilot mode can be necessary at times, I do find myself spiritually depleted after awhile. This can lead to low mood, lack of motivation, as I slowly settle into my not so unusual ennui.
This is why I believe living with intention is an essential part of living a fulfilling life, and as a witch, there are so many options to integrate intention to my day to day living.
For example, I set up an abundance altar in my living room to capitalize on the rich harvest moon energy this fall. As a part of caring for this altar, I place a different offering on it every day and/or burn a beeswax candle in its honor. While doing this, I intentionally notice all the abundance in my life that I am grateful for, and invite more abundance to our home.
In the morning when I wake up, I have two boxes set up in the doorway filled with gemstone bracelets. I carefully pick a bracelet that aligns with my intention for the day, to remind myself to live mindfully and with purpose. Sometimes at night, I engage in a similar ritual, where I pick an intention for the next day, and prepare gemstones to bring with me when I go to work that align with that intention – another reminder to shift away from the daily grind to a more mindful state of being.
I hope that your life is also filled with abundance, with more coming your way, and that you allow yourself the space to live with purpose and intention.
As a doctor, a lot of the care that I provide has nothing to do with prescribing medications or performing procedures. Sure, they form a significant part of my training and my day to day work. However, there are also many times where all I can provide for the patients is my presence, to be a witness to their suffering and to create space for them to grieve and mourn.
This was a huge revelation to me in the earlier stages of training – recognizing that there are many things we can’t just “fix” in medicine, and that care doesn’t end with telling a patient “I am sorry, there is nothing we can do”. I never realized how difficult it is to be truly present to witness someone’s suffering until I had to do it myself. It is so easy to give into the temptation to comfort, or to give false hope or even mislead. At the beginning, I told myself that it is because I care deeply about the patients, and it was difficult for me to watch them suffer. However, the more I did this, the more I realized I was NOT helping these patients by quickly wrapping up their suffering in a neat package to replace it with something prettier – I could see how this made them feel confused and lost. Why then, was it so hard for me to change my behavior?
Problem solving engages the prefrontal cortex of our brain – the part that allows us to reason, filter and regulate our emotions. Being forced to turn away from problem solving therefore leaves us feeling exposed, out of control and yes – vulnerable. However, in turning away from problem solving, we can truly be present and focus entirely on the suffering of the individual in front of us. In psychiatry, this is called “holding space”. Having the space to grieve without feeling pressured to go into problem solving mode can be a deeply therapeutic experience that allows one to just “be” and not be judged.
Think about our daily lives – how often do we simply listen to our friends, family or significant others and be fully present to witness their experiences? As children, how many of us had the luxury of this experience when we tried to share difficult experiences with our parents?
I tried to imagine what it would feel like to have someone fully present to witness my suffering, to have an understanding of how this could help my patients. My mind shifted to when I pray or meditate at my altar. Sometimes, I am looking for answers – but more often than not, what I desire is to have the time to sit in my grief and to let it all out, and to have someone sit WITH me in my grief. The sheer presence of my goddesses and spirit guides had always comforted me in my darkest times, and this is what I could do for my patients when there is nothing else I could offer as a doctor. Simply being present in their suffering was a service I could provide in those dark moments.
Now, when I deliver bad news, I sit with them, quietly, with a tissue box in my hand. I stay present with their grief, and in doing so I hold space for them to process their suffering.
It is true that this is much harder with family and close friends – those who we consider part of ourselves and can make us feel particularly vulnerable when they share their suffering. Practice makes perfect and I am still working on it.
It was the first one of my series of night shifts at the Emergency Department – I was excited to work in the ED again (one of my favorite places to work at) and was looking forward to having a productive and rewarding night.
Unfortunately, not quite having adjusted to the night schedule, my brain was foggy and my body was exhausted. I still tried my best to be chipper with the team and present for my patients, reminding myself of my goal to be a good team player and a healing light. Despite my efforts, I made two consecutive mistakes within the first 3 hours of my shift – both small mistakes not affecting patient care, but still quite a deviation from my usual performance. I tried to not think about it and move on, telling myself that I need to be more careful tonight as I am having an “off day”.
After suturing a patient at 3AM in the morning who had decided to do laundry in the dark in the wee hours of the morning, my staff and I had a disagreement over the type of sutures I chose to use. I decided to go with patient preference in the choice of sutures, and he wished that I had used a different suture which has evidence for causing less scarring. It was a matter of opinion and practice, and he did not hold this against me in any way. He just provided me education and made it clear what his preference would be if we were to suture another patient that night. Normally, I appreciate this kind of straight forwarded communication because it allows for a smooth shift and running of the team. That night though, I found myself getting extremely angry over this, thinking to myself “HOW DARE he decide to make an issue of this on a very busy overnight shift”.
Recognizing that my anger was completely out of proportion and irrational, I took a small break and sat in the lounge area where I could take off my mask and breathe. I went over my shift and my experience working with him so far. He was a great supervisor – he had clear communication, let me know right away what he likes and what he doesn’t like, and allowed me a good amount of independence. Why then, was I so upset with him over this small disagreement?
In situations like this, psychiatrists recommend that patients go back to the time before the argument had even started, to check in with their emotional states that may have influenced their reactions to the argument or discussion. In that moment, it became crystal clear to me that I was already very upset at MYSELF for making those small mistakes in the earlier hours of the shift. Despite my best efforts to suppress these thoughts, my mind was already on edge by disparaging thoughts targeted at myself. Specifically, I was telling myself that I was a failure and a bad doctor because I had made those mistakes.
Everybody has off days. Doctors and nurses are human, and therefore, are vulnerable to making human error. The mistakes that I made had not harmed anyone, although they did cause minor inconveniences. I took a deep breath and meditated. I looked at the sigils I wrote on my badge – protection, peace and patience. I thought of my goddesses and asked for their guidance. I then thought of what I often tell my patients – What would you have told your friend if they made these mistakes? This made it clear what the issue was. I had no compassion or patience for myself and immediately jumped into a judgmental mindset – an attitude I would have NEVER taken towards any of my colleagues. The consequent feelings of being a failure was so painful to sit with, that I had displaced my anger towards myself to my supervisor as soon as there was opportunity for such transference.
Displacement, according to Freudian principles, is one of the maladaptive defense mechanisms where one unconsciously transfers/ displaces their inner conflict, usually stemming from earlier life experiences, to a situation or a person that is not a part of that inner conflict.
I was grateful for the guidance of my goddesses for giving me the space and calm to realize that self-compassion, or lack there of, was at the root of this issue. I inwardly expressed my gratitude to my goddesses and allowed myself to feel the feelings of shame and disappointment at myself for the mistakes I had made. I then told myself “I forgive you – I forgive you for these mistakes and for being harsh on yourself. I honor that your desire for perfection came from a place of wanting to be a healing light. I embrace you and I love you”. Immediately, I felt a sense of relief come over me.
I was able to return to my shift and had a great night – we helped many people and my supervisor and I made a fantastic team through a very busy ED shift. While this shift had not gone exactly as I had planned, I was grateful it happened. It was a wonderful reminder of the importance of self-compassion and forgiveness. I was also reminded that when all else fails, I will always have my spirit guides and higher self to show me the way.